For about as long as I can remember, in my adult life, I’ve struggled with honesty and transparency. I know I want to be an honest person and be seen for who I am and I know that I’m more than capable to do that for others. I’ve read countless books on the subjects of vulnerability, living a whole-hearted life, honesty and its consequences and how all those topics apply to all sorts of relationships. I’ve learned the lesson many times: honesty is important. With my big move 10 hours away from my “safety net” of family and friends, it’s been a challenge for me to pick up the phone and have honest conversations with these people I love; even just to catch up. And for what reason? I honestly can’t think of one that’s important enough. It’s become clear to me that my safety net is more important now than it ever has been (you know, since I’m blazing my own trail and all).
Beyond just picking up the phone and talking candidly about the everyday, I want to talk about secrets. My mother, my father, my step-mother (collectively: my parents) have always encouraged openness and honesty and I’ve carried that with me throughout my life. Somewhere along the way, it became okay for me to close off parts of myself that I was maybe less proud of. Is it just the business of becoming an adult? Probably. I realize that not every single thing of one’s past is meant to see the light of day. Despite knowing all that, I still find myself shocked when I meet a secret of someone else’s. Especially since I go out of my way to preach honesty. I’m pretty sure it’s a fatal flaw of mine and I have no idea why.
Honesty is dangerous, vulnerability is dangerous – it’s (in the wise words of a friend) a risk. And I’m not strictly speaking of love here either, it’s being vulnerable in a friendship or letting your family see who you are (even the bad bits). Why go through life cloaked in only the good stuff and leave out the messy parts? It’s the messy stuff that makes us all real anyway. Connection is so incredibly powerful and it’s worth all the tough stuff that makes up who we are.
Alright… I’ll stop rambling on now. I’m trying to find the balance of personal but not too personal on this blog. You guys get it.
And cheer up, it was either this entry or one all about my cat. I’m not ready for you all to think I’m a crazy cat lady so that post will wait till another day.